I'm swearing off beer for now

because last Monday, after helping someone encode grades and attending an LS Bulletin meeting, I escaped to Tribu with Elmo and Miggy. (Sistah, tama ba ako't natatawa ka ngayon?) And we drank six bottles of Strong Ice each in a span of five hours. When Waps and the bayaws sauntered in, I became a blathering texter and willing victim of mathematical magic. I woke up the next day to a pounding head and the meowing of an annoyed Metaphor, who looked at me disdainfully as if to say

[Metaphor to poet]: Hungover again, hmph?
[me]: Eh
[Meta]: Litterbox needs cleaning. And I'm hungry. I smell corned beef.
[me]: Hrrr. Wait---
[Meta]: Feed me-eow. Feed me-eow.
[me]: I said wait. Besides, you're getting a little pudgy.
[Meta]: Look who's talking. And it's not my fault you're overfeeding me to compensate for the guilt of not letting me out at night.
[me]: So you can woo the female felines of Suny Square? No guilt here.
[Meta]: I'm an adult male cat. I have---
[me]: An adult who still loves hide and seek. Who goes berserk over corned beef and dangled pieces of string. Who still (gasp) sleeps next to his mother.
[Meta]: You're not my mother.
[me]: That's true.
[Meta]: You're not the only one here with crazy hormones, you know. I have, ehem, needs.
[me]: I know. We can all hear you meowing at night with your retractable little pink **** out---
[Meta]: Anong little?
[me]: Lalaki ka talaga. Anyway, I'm having you neutered soon.
[Meta]: What does neutered mean?
[me]: It means we're taking away your balls.
[Meta]: What?! But that's inhuman!---
[me]: Er, last I checked, you're not. Human, I mean.
[Meta]: But you are! And why'd you want to deprive me of my balls?
[me]: You peed on my brother's guitar.
[Meta]: Yeah. So? It smelled a little funny.
[me]: Soon you'll be spraying all over the house, marking your territory. Humans do it too. If we let you out, you'll be humping some one-eyed streetcat and her sister with the scalded fur, fathering unwanted kittens into a world with an insatiable demand for pulutan and siopao.
[Meta]: Slippery slope fallacy. Besides, I won't hump the disabled.
[me]: I wouldn't put it past you.
[Meta]: Won't you reconsider? Would you condemn me to a life of impotence?
[me]: Hmm, yeah.
[Meta]: Hmph.

And with a swish of a tail, he leaps from my bed, not looking back once.

* * * * *

And because I didn't take this test too seriously...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything! You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

...the test took me seriously.